Many people today struggle with their confidence and self-esteem. Especially lots of teenagers and people in their 20s wanted to be confident, but the modern world isn’t always the easiest place to do so.
Today I want to compress this broad topic into a single post with only one, crystal clear purpose. I want to make YOU more confident by sharing everything I’ve learned during past years of building my confidence.
What I’m about to share is something you could call a blueprint, to make you more confident. Confidence is crucial in everything you do, so stay tuned my friend! Let’s begin.
What is confidence?
By doing a quick Google search, you’ll see that you can determine confidence in several different ways. Often when people want to be confident and improve their mindset, they’re pursuing self-confidence, which means a feeling that you can trust in your abilities, qualities, and judgment.
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A truly confident person can remain in this state of mind regardless of external factors such as insults, negative experiences, and setbacks. On top of that, he or she trusts in his abilities and knows that whatever happens, they’ll be fine in the end.
There are more articles and Wikipedia content about determining confidence, but as I said, I’m not here to teach you every single detail. I’m here to make you more confident by sharing my proven tips and action steps.
Your mindset and underlying beliefs
Your beliefs about yourself and the world around you determine a big part of your confidence. This is also the most important place to start when improving your confidence. It’s about how you see yourself, do you consider yourself a valuable, worthy person, or a worthless loser?
Many people have these beliefs and therefore you’ll have to deal with them one way or another. The work you need to do at this step depends completely on your current situation.
You may have some negative experiences or past trauma that has shattered your self-esteem. We are all different people with different stories, so everyone’s beliefs are different, but we can change them and take a look at the most common negative beliefs.
Dealing with your past
I’ve seen people struggling with their confidence because they may have had some negative experiences in their past. If this is you, pay attention. You may have experienced issues with your mental health, being severely bullied, or encountered some shit from abusive people.
To be confident, you’ll have to deal with that shit, accept it, and leave it behind. See, you can’t change the past but you can change how you see it. Does it really tell something about you or something about other people or external factors?
If you’ve gone through dark times, it doesn’t determine your worth. Nobody chooses to have depression, an eating disorder, or any other shit like that. In fact, if you’ve gone through something like that, it means you’re a much stronger person than average! Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t know what they’re talking about.
The list goes on. If you’ve been bullied or abused, it tells more about those people than you. I mean, how pathetic a loser you have to be to put other people down to help yourself? Pretty pathetic.
Questions you can ask yourself
I’m not a licensed therapist and I don’t personally know you, so I can’t give you perfect advice, but here are some questions you can ask yourself to deal with your inner demons:
- If you have negative experiences, did you choose to have them? Why would a challenge that you didn’t choose to have, determine you?
- Is some asshole who unfairly caused you inconvenience, really worth lowering your confidence today?
- If other people had had something similar, would they be as strong as you?
Above all, there’s no reason to feel insecure because of some shit in the past. You didn’t choose to have it and it doesn’t make you a bad person. It was your circumstances that were fucked up. From now on, consider your past an experience that made you stronger than many people can even imagine.
I know that letting go of the past may be hard, but it’s possible. Talk to someone, let this chapter sink in, practice mindfulness, anything.
Accepting your flaws
Your flaws, especially when exposed, can cause you a load of insecurity. After all, nobody likes to explain them in front of people when getting exposed. Dealing with your flaws is something you need to master if you want to be confident.
The first thing you need to realize is that you don’t have flaws because you’re a bad human. You have them because you’re a human. It’s natural for us to do mistakes and screw up things. Therefore I want you to realize that every one of us has something they dislike about themselves, they just don’t like to share it too much.
If you think you’re too skinny, you have bad grades or anything like that, you’re not alone. It’s OK to have flaws. Therefore admit it to yourself, and don’t be ashamed of them. After all, what really determines you is not your flaws. The way you see them and whether or not you’re improving them will (more about that later).
Here’s a quick exercise. Write down 10 things you dislike about yourself and see how you feel. Then admit them to yourself and accept them. After all, being confident doesn’t mean being flawless. It means being secure with your flaws, knowing that everybody has some.
Stop comparing yourself
Many people think that they have to compare themselves to others and the more capable one is better. This is bullshit. Don’t try to achieve confidence by comparing your strengths to other people.
True confidence means you don’t have to compare yourself to anyone. If you do that, it’s a sign of insecurity. If you want to be confident, stop looking for external validation.
The key is to position yourself above the external pressure, knowing that no one is better or worse than you. Shallow traits like money and fitness don’t determine someone’s worth. Again everybody has flaws and everybody sucks at something. Anybody who brags about his new car, a quality hook-up in Tinder, or anything like that is an insecure moron trying to seek approval.
Stop seeing people who seem to have everything great superiors, because they’re not. True confidence comes from inside.
Be confident by understanding human behavior
Before starting this section, I want to mention that the most important part to be confident is your mindset and the confidence that comes from inside. Therefore mastering it is something you should focus on first.
However, understanding some patterns in general human behavior and using them to your advantage will give you a massive help too! Back in time, realizing these things I’m about to share you gave me a massive confidence boost and helped me to execute the mindset shift.
People and their flaws
I know, I already talked about having flaws, but I’ll give you another point of view because realizing it is so damn important. Tell me, have you ever been in a situation where you’re feeling terrible because of thinking about your flaws and letting them stack up in your mind? Better yet, does it seem like everyone else is doing so well?
I’ve been in this kind of situation and it sucks. Especially when you get stuck inside your head. The first thing I want you to realize is that others don’t care about your flaws as much as you do. They don’t consider them so serious because it’s not personal for them.
Secondly, let’s do a quick thought experiment. Out of 20 people you know, how many of them know about your insecurities etc. Maybe 1 or 3. By doing quick math, you’ll realize that other people are feeling the same feelings about their insecurities. They just don’t like to share them with anyone.
This means that you’re not alone with your problems. A good rule of thumb is that whatever problem you have, it’s more common than you think.
People see you as you see yourself
One external thing that determines your confidence is how other people see you. Needless to say, you shouldn’t care about their opinions, but what if I told you that you could shape them?
This is completely possible because, in the end, people see you as you see yourself. For example, when something you dislike about yourself comes up in a conversation, the other people’s reaction will mostly depend on you. If you try to hide it and blame it on others, they will consider you insecure and pathetic. But if you just admit it like it’s not a big deal, people will sense your confidence.
This means that if you master your mindset properly and believe that there’s nothing wrong with you, other people start to see you that way. Of course, somebody could argue and blame you, but in the long run, this really works.
So, start carrying out yourself with dignity in every situation, and your confidence will get amplified by good feedback. Use the principles you learned in the beliefs chapter. And remember, things don’t get awkward unless you make them.
Don’t let shiny things fool you
If you want to be confident, there’s a certain phenomenon that you should be extremely aware of. A lot of people keep displaying their best side to the public and focusing on their strengths and achievements. It’s easy to pay attention to someone who seems to be killing it at life with their fancy clothes and beautiful partner when in reality, they still have ups and downs with their life.
I want you to realize that shiny objects like cars, expensive clothes, and accessories don’t make anyone a better person or people truly respect you. What really skyrockets your life are your internal assets and how you carry out yourself with them. The only things that Gucci belts and expensive BMWs will attract in the long run are fake friends and fucking gold diggers.
Then we have social media… It’s the absolute worst. Firstly, people keep posting all kinds of shit that shows the top 1% of their life and therefore creating an illusion that everything is so good. But in reality, most of the time, they’re doing something boring as hell. They film the parties and vacations but don’t film their awful hangover or destroyed bank account.
Never let your confidence suffer because someone else seems to be doing so great. Shiny things don’t mean anything and nobody has a perfect life.
Habits to be confident
Congratulations! You’ve completed the first and most important part which is your mentality. By now, you should have had some insights about how you can start to build your confidence. Next, we’re focusing on some habits that you should start implementing in your life to make the entire progress easier.
Changing your mindset is crucial, but it’s important to pay attention to your lifestyle and whether or not it’s working for you. It’s like burning the candle from both ends for maximum results.
Work out and take care of yourself
One of the biggest reasons for insecurity is being insecure about own body. Working out and taking care of yourself is one of the best habits a human can have. It’s way easier to be confident when you know that you have a healthy body.
Secondly, if you neglect your physical health by constantly eating junk food, and being lazy, you’re also affecting your mind. When you take care of your body, eat mostly clean, and get enough sleep, your brain will naturally produce hormones to boost your mental health and reduce stress levels.
Your body and mind are connected, and it’s way easier to be confident if you’re in shape and have standards with yourself. Sure, you can spoil yourself once in a while, but treat your body with all the respect by doing exercise, eating well, and getting enough rest.
Pay attention to your appearance
Another thing you should look for is to work on your appearance. This includes your style, hygiene, and looks. If you put even a small effort into buying clothes that fit you and display your unique personality, you’re making yourself so much more attractive.
On top of that, figure out what kind of hairstyle fits you the best and remember to take that haircut once in a while. Don’t just let your hair (and beard) grow relentlessly. You don’t want to be that guy who has greasy hair and an overgrown beard. Seriously, put some effort into those things and you’ll find it way easier to be confident.
Thirdly, I recommend investing in accessories like a nice watch and getting a scent. It may cost some money, but the benefits will last for years.
Work on your career
Working on your studies or career is essential for anyone, and performing well there will help you to be confident. If you’re in your early 20s, it’s OK if you don’t have a clear plan, but it’s always a good idea to work on your future.
This can mean anything from studying for your final exams to chasing a promotion or even building a business. It depends on your situation, but a good rule of thumb is that you should be doing something you find meaningful and you’re getting forward in life.
On top of this, it’s also a good idea to educate and invest in yourself. For example, start learning to invest money or study a new language that can help you in the future.
Last but not least, work on your social life and relationships. It’s always refreshing to meet new people or do something cool with your old friends. By doing this, you’ll learn social skills that are extremely important, and will make you liked and attractive.
Put yourself out there, build new connections to people, and maintain the ones with your old friends. The cool thing is, you can put anything you learn from this blog into action.
The source of ultimate confidence
Alright, at the moment you’re armed with knowledge on how to change your mindset to be confident, and some habits you can do to boost that progress. At this point, I want to share with you what kind of situation you’ll have to achieve to unleash the source of your ultimate confidence.
It’s not having six-pack abs or anything like that. It’s the secure feeling that whatever happens, you’ll be fine. Let me give you an example:
One situation that requires confidence is when you’re about to approach someone and ask them out. Rather than relying on some brilliant pick-up line or weird blueprint, you should be aware that with the right mentality, you can’t lose.
If the answer is yes, great! You’ve succeeded. But if the answer is no, remember that it’s OK to fail and nobody will judge you (unless you make them do so). Sure, the rejection feels bad, but if you know that you can handle it, you’ll automatically be confident.
Confidence is not about being arrogant and doing only things where you have a 99% success rate. It’s about knowing that whatever outcome you’ll have, you can deal with any negative consequences, and everything will be fine in the end.
Think about different situations that could require confidence, and how you can use the techniques you’ve learned to deal with them, regardless of the outcome.
Someone brings up something nasty from your past? So fucking what, what matters is your present. Someone insults you for not having a fancy car? Who cares, because you know that those shiny things don’t mean shit. You’re smart enough to invest your money to work for you instead of trying to impress others.
Do you see the point here? This is what confidence is all about.
How to achieve all this
Do you want to achieve the ultimate confidence and have a magic pill that makes it happen? I bet you do. The magic pill you have to take is doing one, very simple thing. TAKE ACTION.
I promised you an ultimate guide to build confidence so I’m giving it. And the truth is that it requires action. Start with your mindset, and see what needs to be improved. Then figure out what advice works best for you and execute it.
Reading the list of the habits to be confident is useless unless you start implementing them in your life. The sooner you start, the better. Go out there and do a workout, and see how you feel. Or maybe book your next haircut and start googling the best hairstyles of the year. Any confidence building activity is fine as long as you take action.
I know, it may feel overwhelming to have all these tasks, but I promise you it will be worth it. You can achieve phenomenal things in a fairly short amount of time.
Flipping the script
Have you seen Cobra Kai? If not, I recommend watching it because it’s a great show. In the show, a severely bullied, insecure boy named Eli, joins a karate class and gives up immediately after the instructor is harsh at him.
However, the next day, Eli shows up with a completely new haircut, a cocky tattoo, and starts practicing like crazy. Eventually, the bullies don’t bother him anymore and he ends up dating one of the hottest girls at his school.
Eli completely transformed his confidence by taking action and improving himself. This so-called “flip the script” mentality is something that you can also use. Especially if you’re insecure right now, it may become the best decision of your life to start transforming who you are and shock everybody with your results.
Or, if you want to just casually spice your life with these tips, that’s OK too. As I said before, my goal is to make you more confident in a way that fits you the best.
Bonus tip, being “healthy narcissistic”
Remember when I said that nobody is better than you and we’re all equal? That’s true, but here’s a quick tip to take that to the next level:
The fact that you know all this and you can see through the shallow cover that everybody shows in their social media etc, makes you so-called “next level” and a cut above others.
You’re just as equal as everyone else, but the fact that you don’t fall into those traps of insecurity and misery that social media and arrogant wannabe alphas try to make you fall into, makes you stand out.
There you have it! My ultimate guide to being confident. This is a very special topic to me, and I’ve put pretty much everything I’ve learned within the past years into this article, so I hope you found it valuable.
As always, feel free to comment or contact me with any questions. I’ll see you in the next post!